30 Shocking Things Wives Never Wanted to Find in Their Husbands, But They Did

From tales of deception to discovering their husbands' secret pursuits, this collection unveils the shocking revelations encountered by women. These are the truths they never wished to uncover.

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Welcome to "30 Shocking Things Wives Never Wanted to Find in Their Husbands, But They Did." This collection is full of real stories from women who shared their experiences on social media, blogs, and forums.

It’s all about unexpected and surprising things they found out about their husbands. These stories can be pretty surprising, sometimes sad, and sometimes even fun. They are showing how these women dealt with big surprises in their marriages. Each story gives us a peek into what it was like for them to discover these secrets.

Get ready to see how strong these women are and learn about the complicated stuff that sometimes happens in relationships, which we don't always see.

Comments have been edited for clarity and grammar.

1. My "hot" younger sister decided to test my fiance for fidelity.

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u/rose212: Catherine is incredibly attractive. As my younger sister, she's only 22, while I'm 34 and my fiancé Steve is 37. Catherine has an amazing figure with perky breasts and is a pole dancer; if I were a man, I would do anything for a night with her.

One day, I was introducing my family to my fiancé Steve at my parents' house. While we were waiting for him to arrive, Catherine came up with an idea to test his fidelity, which I found intriguing.

Our plan was for me to leave the house and tell Steve that I had been called into work for an hour. In the meantime, Catherine would try to seduce him and see if he would stay faithful. When Steve arrived, I left and called him pretending to be called into work.

Catherine took the lead in showing him around the house and started by giving him a "friendly" hug. Then, she dropped a pencil on the floor and sexually bent over to pick it up. She began discussing suggestive topics with him and even pressed herself against him, asking him to take her right there in the moment.

However, Steve ran out of the house and straight to his car.

"Catherine! He's a good guy. He turned me down!" she said when she called me afterwards. Still curious about his reaction, I went to Steve's car to hug and thank him for his loyalty but instead saw him searching under the seat for something while saying "WHERE ARE THE D*MN CONDOMS!?".

2. I Saw a Message in My Husband's Phone from a Contact 'Dylan (Auto Mechanic)' Saying, "Can't Wait for Our Date, Honey!"

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u/marrycarry: I couldn't believe it! He had met some chick from Tinder and was texting her, but he saved her as "DYLAN (AUTO MECHANIC)"! I read through their whole conversation and found out they were planning to meet for a date today at 8 PM. So, I decided to follow my husband and catch him and this chick red-handed!

At 7 PM, my husband said he needed to go to the auto shop to buy some parts. "Sure, to the auto shop, you jerk!" I thought. As soon as he drove off, I followed him, but he really did arrive at the auto shop!

Through the window, I saw him greet some man, and they both went into some kind of staff room. I sighed with relief, realizing my Peter wasn't cheating on me. But you won't believe what happened next.

I went inside to tell Peter and Dylan about the crazy scenario I had imagined so they could laugh about this situation. But when I opened the staff room door, I almost went mad! MY PETER WAS KISSING DYLAN!!!!

So, Dylan (Auto Mechanic) is Dylan (Auto Mechanic)... We divorced...

3. I Set up a birthday surprise for my husband and regretted it.

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u/cornunicorn: I told Chuck I’d be on a business trip on his birthday. Weirdly, he wasn't even upset, just said he understood. Okay then...

In the evening, I gathered all his friends and our closest relatives at our house, decorated the place and set up the party room. I called him and said, “There’s a surprise for you in the bedroom at home! Come get it now, it's important!”

The moment of truth! We all hid and turned off the lights. I heard the front door open, and we were ready, he walks in. “Honey, let’s check this sh*tty gift and head back to the hotel!” Chuck's voice echoed. I peeked from behind the couch and saw HIS EX WITH HIM!!!

My dad couldn’t hold back, pulled out a gun and pointed it at Chuck. Chuck, well... he literally wet his pants.

“I told you, a gun lighter is a good gift,” my dad said to my mom.

4. My husband “buried” me...

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u/AzureAlice: A month ago, I moved to a house I inherited from my grandmother, which was 1500 miles from our city. My George still had two more months at his company to finish his project and then he was also going to move to me, where another company had a job offer waiting for him.

During those two months, I didn’t visit him because I was busy with my new job. We only talked via FaceTime in the evenings. But on his birthday, I decided to surprise him and flew back to our city.

With balloons and a gift, I walked into his office building and first met his boss, Catherine, at the entrance, who screamed and fainted upon seeing me.

Turns out, this jerk told everyone I HAD DIED!!! He gained sympathy and compassion from his colleagues and slept with the boss and a few others.

5. I found out my husband was cheating and got the ultimate revenge!

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u/DreamDancer: My car was in the repair shop, so I borrowed my husband's car. While driving, my phone rang, but suddenly a cat ran across the road and the phone dropped under the seat. I pulled over and reached under the seat, expecting to find my phone but found CONDOMS instead!!!

I was shocked because the box was open and three condoms were missing. We hadn’t been using condoms since we were trying for our third child. Clearly, he had a mistress.

I decided to get full revenge! I took a needle and poked holes in all the condoms left in the pack. Of course, I filed for divorce soon after, but you won't believe what happened next.

A month later, my mom calls and says, “We have a disaster! Your younger sister is pregnant and refuses to say who the father is!”.

MY SISTER IS B*TCH!!!!

6. My sister's labor turned into a family drama

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u/Lindafox: It was the day my sister was due to have her first baby. Our entire family, including me, my husband, and my sister's husband, were at the maternity hospital waiting for my nephew to be born.

Suddenly, a doctor came out and announced, "Congratulations, it's a boy!" Patrick, my sister's husband, was over the moon. He started crying and thanking God for his son. However, it was weird because Kira, my sister, wouldn't let anyone, even Patrick, come in to see the baby.

We insisted and all went into her room as a surprise. LORD, my heart sank when I saw her son... He was black (And both Kira and her husband, Patrick, are white)... Don't get me wrong, I'm not racist, it's just because my husband is black...

7. I noticed $1000 daily popping up in poor husband's stash. I wish I didn’t know how he earned it...

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u/goodmood: I knew Arthur had a stash of money in his wardrobe. But he didn’t know I knew about it :D Every day I checked it, and recently, big sums began appearing—$1000 daily! One day, I counted about $24,000. BUT MY ARTHUR IS JUST A PIZZA DELIVERY GUY!

I thought maybe my husband got into some criminal stuff and that the money was dirty. However, a few days later, I found out the truth...

A few days later, I was at my good friend Susie's birthday party. She had a girls' night when suddenly one of the women I'd never met before said, "I ordered pizza! The delivery guy coming isn’t ordinary!" she chuckled.

10 minutes later, in walked an almost naked pizza delivery guy wearing a leather mask and latex shorts!! "Did someone order a stripper!?" he shouted and took off his mask! It was my husband, Arthur!

I was furious, but one thing really cracked me up—his leather shorts had padding to make his little buddy look bigger :DDD

8. I found my husband's secret phone

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u/panda1126: So I'm cleaning the house, hear a vibration. At first, I couldn't figure out what it was, until I flipped the mattress. BINGO! A phone... I unlock it. All contacts are saved as "Order #3", "Order #8", etc.

I open the messenger and am shocked. My husband has been selling his nudes to some women!!! I figured out a way to teach him a lesson.

A few days later, we're at home having dinner when his father (a Major in the Air Force) storms in saying, "I knew I didn't spank you enough as a child!"

I had swapped one of the contact numbers in the secret phone for his dad's :) So an hour ago, his dad received 10 photos of his naked son with the text "Baby, $20 for each photo!"

9. I found 18 paintings of naked women in my husband's room, including people I know

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u/fksdfn23: One day I was cleaning and found a box in the basement. I decided to open it and was shocked! There were paintings of naked women lying ON OUR BED!!! IN OUR HOUSE!!! My husband is an artist but he can only draw if he has a person in front of him. He can't even draw from memory!

Moreover, some of the paintings were of women I know: our neighbor, a colleague from work, and the local cafe waitress.

I installed cameras in our house and found out he indeed brings women to our house, paints them naked, posing on our bed! AND THEN HE SLEEPS WITH ALL OF THEM! (Maybe he uses some stimulants, I don't know!). I immediately filed for divorce and kicked him out.

But when he was leaving, it turned out there weren't just 18 paintings! There were hundreds! The basement was full of boxes with these paintings. When he was moving them out, I almost passed out. One of the boxes tore open and paintings fell out, depicting MY OWN MOTHER AND MY SISTER!!!

10. My husband exposed himself in the dumbest way...

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u/mommyof2: Recently I found out that my husband has an account on a dating site. I decided not to make a scene but to catch him red-handed so he couldn't lie his way out. So, I started reading his chats with women on the site and mostly he wrote "Meeting - $200".

The moment came, that day he was supposed to meet some chick at a hotel on the outskirts of the city at 7 PM. The room number was specified. At 6:30 PM, I was already waiting in a cafe near the hotel and saw him enter the hotel alone.

20 minutes later, I went inside. At the reception, I snatched a master key that could open any door in the hotel and headed to that room.

But when I opened the door, an elderly woman, about 60 years old, was standing in front of me. I realized I had the wrong door, apologized, and was about to close the door when I heard my Steve's voice... "Honey, who's there?" he yelled.

Turns out, my husband has a fetish for older women. Moreover, he pays them... We divorced.

11. My wedding had six brides

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u/selkfjsd21: I was over the moon, standing at the altar with my groom. But as I was finishing my vows, we heard the sound of an engine, then through the open doors, a limousine pulled up.

Out of the limo, one by one, came five women. I didn't understand what was happening, and from the look on my groom's face, he knew these women. Each held a large sack. I shouted, "Who are you and what does this mean?"

One of them grabbed the microphone and revealed that my groom had organized 5 weddings in the last 3 months with different girls, but on the wedding day, he would just steal the gifts and disappear.

They opened their sacks, and I saw they were filled with some kind of balls. Then someone shouted, "These are the only balls you'll ever have," and they started pelting my groom with these balls.

I smelled a foul odor and realized what was inside those balls—sh*t. My groom was covered in it. What did I do? I joined the girls :D

12. I taught my husband a lesson for his lies

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u/1231202: So I recently found a separate wardrobe full of women clothes in my husband's closet - all pink, blue, yellow, etc. I decided to follow him one evening and saw him heading to a dance studio.

I went inside and approached the changing room where I heard my Tony speaking effeminately, almost like a woman! I cracked open the door and saw him in women's clothes and makeup, telling the undressing women about his relationships WITH HIS BOYFRIEND!!!

Turns out this idiot was pretending to be transgender to change with women in the same locker room... I pulled out my phone, recorded everything, and sent it to his father. Within 20 minutes, Tony was getting a serious scolding from his boxer dad.

13. My husband got a stinky revenge for his cheating

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u/pinkyelf: Recently I found out that my husband was cheating on me. I immediately filed for divorce, but my lawyer quickly warned me that most likely, our house would end up with Jack. So then, Jack kicked me out of the house.

On my last day in my old home, I prepared some seafood and opened some wine to relax after the long packing. That’s when I came up with a plan for a stinky revenge on my “beloved one.”

After dinner, I collected the seafood leftovers and began hiding them in the lining of the furniture, even unscrewed the legs of tables and chairs to stash pieces of mussels, which would start to reek unbearably in a few days.

I didn't have to wait long. A couple of weeks later, his girlfriend threw a tantrum about selling the house, so the realtor Sam offered it to me at a ridiculous price, which I accepted.

On that day, I arrived early to enjoy watching my ex scramble to remove all the smelly stuff, unable to figure out that the problem was with them, not the house.

14. I came to my husband's bachelor party. (Spoiler: The wedding was called off after that)

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u/dancinqueen: I had a feeling my husband's friends would have a stripper at his bachelor party. I wasn't sure what the stripper would be doing, but I knew it wouldn't end well for our wedding if things went too far.

So, I waited outside the hotel where the stripper was supposed to arrive and talked with her. We made a deal: she would give me her outfit and let me perform for her in exchange for a larger payment. I put on a disguise and joined the party.

My husband didn't recognize me, and at one point he even touched me inappropriately. He suggested we go to a room alone “to have fun!”, but then said he wanted to continue drinking and asked if I could ‘entertain’ his friend Arnold instead.

"No problem," I said. So, I ended up sleeping with Arnold before revealing my true identity to my shocked fiancé.

Needless to say, our wedding was called off after that night.

15. I found a notebook in my husband's office, which contained a list of 37 women's names

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u/sarahlove: While cleaning my husband's home office one day, I stumbled upon a notebook. My husband, Dylan, is a wealthy businessman who runs his own company with 200 employees. Curiosity getting the best of me, I opened the notebook and discovered a list of women's names with check marks next to them.

Shockingly, 37 names were on the list, and 30 of those women had “+” next to their names…. It was clear to me that this was a list of women he had been slept with.

Filled with anger and feeling betrayed, I plotted my revenge. The next day, I attended a meeting of the board of directors at my husband's company. Around 10 directors and 30 staff members were present.

In front of everyone, I barged into the room with the notebook in hand and accused my husband of being an unfaithful scoundrel who slept with his employees. To make matters worse, some of the women from the list were actually present in the room and I called them out as well.

The room fell into silence as my husband responded calmly, "Karen, this is not what you think. This is a list of women who have borrowed money from me. 30 of them have repaid their loans, but 7 still owe me."

So, don't, guys, jump to conclusions. I am still ashamed to come to my husband’s workplace.

16. I had to install surveillance cameras at home to find out the truth about my husband

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u/lucyrusty: Weird things were happening in my life. For starters, my husband often told me he had told me something, and I didn't even remember it.

Sometimes I thought I was hallucinating, though I believed it to be true. Like, I clearly heard noises from the basement, but when I went down, they vanished. My husband said I needed a doctor.

One day I came home and saw "You will answer for everything!" written on the wall. I ran out of the house, but when I returned with my husband, the writing was gone. I decided to install surveillance cameras at home and didn't tell my husband.

Guess what? It was all staged by my husband and his sister! They wanted to drive me insane to get their hands on my money and inheritance.

I decided to get back at them. I told my husband I felt cursed and wanted to see a fortune teller. We went to a fortune teller, who I had bribed beforehand and told her a lot about us. At first, she "guessed" facts about us in turns (really, I had told her everything beforehand).

Then, the fortune teller told Alex that he would have the luckiest day of his life tomorrow when he would win the jackpot at the casino. The fool fell for it and lost everything the next day, including his savings. After that, I filed for divorce :)

17. I was shocked when I found out what my husband was doing every evening in his garage

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u/frenchkiss21: One night I woke up to the sound of the door. It was my husband coming back from his garage, where he spent almost every evening working on his old car. I had never even gone in there.

However, when he returned, I could distinctly smell women's perfume. I decided not to say anything, as he would have definitely lied about it. So, I decided to follow him.

The next evening, I followed him to the garage, and when he went inside, I burst in unexpectedly. Inside, I saw a woman, but as I looked closer – I RECOGNIZED MY OWN HUSBAND! My Kieran is a Drag Queen. He dresses up as women and performs in bars.

I immediately started screaming at him and demanded a divorce until he told me his fee for the night. Now I give him my dresses and we go shopping together for wigs and makeup. Love him, he's awesome xDDD

18. I Came home and found my husband handcuffed with his mouth taped

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u/mamaofroses: Exhausted and angry, I flew back from a business trip. Decided to surprise my husband by not telling him I was coming home early.

As I approached, I saw a black car driving away from our house, which was weird because no one ever parks there. The front door was open, and my favorite vase was smashed right by the entrance, which was also strange.

I tried calling my husband because I was scared to go inside, but he wasn’t answering his phone. So, I cautiously went inside and heard some weird noises from our bedroom.

I sneaked into the bedroom and was in shock. My husband was lying naked on the bed, his mouth taped shut and he was handcuffed to the bed with PINK, FEATHERY HANDCUFFS! I turned around and saw written on the mirror, “HE CHEATED ON YOU WITH ME, AND LIED THAT YOU WERE HIS SISTER!”

I took a few photos and sent them to his boss with the caption, “Waiting for you at home, sweetie!”. He is fired. We are divorced :D

19. You’ve never seen such betrayal in any movie

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u/staceywhite: But don’t even try to guess who my husband cheated on me with. We got married just 5 months ago.

Honestly, I look back on it now with a smile because we both realized soon after getting married that it was a mistake. The spark quickly died, things were bad in bed, and we saw each other more as friends than anything.

So, my birthday. We were celebrating at our house. It was us, my dad, Jack’s parents, his sister, my sister, and our closest friends. As the night went on with drinks and such, I hadn't seen Jack for about half an hour. I started searching the rooms but couldn’t find him anywhere. I decided to check the garage.

I walk into the garage, turn on the light, and there he was KISSING MY DAD!!!!

A year has passed. I’m married again, and I now call Jack ‘dad’ xDDD

20. A tiny detail helped me discover my husband's affair

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u/mollydolly213: Once, my husband's boss, a wealthy woman named Sara, invited me and my husband, Harry, for a dinner.

Everything was great until I accidentally grabbed my husband's phone and noticed it was connected to their Wi-Fi. "It's my first time in such a fancy house," I whispered to check his reaction. "Me too," he said. Caught!!! He was cheating on me with his boss.

All evening, that's all I could think about. At one point during dinner, my husband said, "I have some stomach issues, I need to use the restroom." That witch Sara said, "I need to go too!" We were left alone with her husband Freddie, who suddenly said, "I’ll check on the grill."

Well, I got up and went upstairs to catch my Harry and that witch in the act.

I opened the bedroom door and was shocked. There was my Harry in bed WITH SARA'S HUSBAND!

21. A canceled flight helped me uncover the truth about my husband

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u/kitty124123: My parents passed away recently, and my husband was my rock—until recently...

I was supposed to go on a business trip, but upon arriving at the airport, I found out my flight was delayed until the next day. So, I headed back home.

Walking in, I heard the shower running. I walked into the bathroom and there were MY HUSBAND STEVE AND MY BEST FRIEND LILITH! Initially, I was furious and shut the door in shock, but a revenge plan quickly formed in my mind.

I reopened the door and calmly said, “Well, since I caught you like this, I confess... I’ve wanted you both for years!!! So you'll let me do whatever I want with you unless you want everyone to know about this!” I beckoned them into the bedroom, laid them on the bed, and handcuffed them to it.

Then I took Lilith’s phone and texted her husband with the words, “COME TO LUCY'S HOUSE IMMEDIATELY!” It’s worth adding that her husband is a professional boxer who had already served time in prison :D

22. I accidentally found out my husband has been slipping me some pills

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u/lillith333: I noticed my husband slipping some pills into my tea. Later, I found these pills in his pockets... What is he doing to me!?

At first, I thought my husband was an addict and wanted to get me hooked on drugs. So, I took these pills to a lab.

Turns out, they were birth control pills! My husband was trying to prevent us from having kids!!! Note that we had been trying to conceive for several years without success, and now I knew why!!!

Want to know how I got back at him? Two months later, I came to him with fake doctor's documents and congratulated him, saying we were expecting triplets. You should have seen his face, haha.

He immediately confessed he didn’t want kids and I offered him a deal—pay me "unofficial alimony." I said I'd get an abortion if he gave me $100,000.

Congrats, you're looking at a happy owner of a hundred thousand!

23. Another story about a secret phone

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u/julyaugust123: One night, I heard a weird vibration, like a phone vibrating. In the morning, I asked my husband if he heard it, but he suggested it might've just been a car passing by the window.

When my husband went to work in the morning, I decided to check under the bed and found it—a secret phone belonging to my husband, but it was locked. Suddenly, it received a text FROM MY MOTHER!!!

"You must kill her!!! I can't do it, you must understand! I don't have the strength!" the text read. I grabbed the phone and drove straight to the police. I couldn't believe what I had read. The cops went to my husband's work and arrested him, but d*mn, you won’t believe what it was...

Turns out, my husband and my mother got hooked on an online game. He had a secret phone so I wouldn't know because I don't allow him to play on the computer... In their clan, there was a raid on a gargoyle, and they had to kill it...

25. I caught my husband's mistress at our home!

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u/honeymoon12: My husband and I have an arrangement: I handle our business while he pursues his art at home. He's a painter. One day, I came home early to surprise him. When I opened the door, his eyes lit up, and he smiled joyously at me.

I pretended I noticed nothing and told Peter I just came to grab some things for an urgent business trip. Peter awkwardly tried to act as if he wasn't hiding anyone in the bedroom. But when he wasn't looking, I slipped a sleeping pill into the wine bottle.

Three hours later, I returned home. He was sleeping like a baby alongside that b*tch. "Enjoyed the wine?" I thought. I grabbed a marker and wrote "asshole" and "wh*re" on their foreheads. I also took an electric razor and shaved both their heads, including his cherished beard.

I took several photos of them naked and told them the next day I'd send these photos to everyone in our family if they tried to sue me.

Of course, we got divorced, but I'm quite pleased with my revenge.

26. I received a letter revealing the truth about my husband

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u/kiradaily93: I always thought I had the perfect husband until I received that fateful letter... As a successful family therapist, I've helped many couples resolve their issues, but I never thought such a serious problem would affect our marriage.

I received an envelope labeled "The Truth About Your Husband." Thinking I knew everything about him, I opened it calmly. But my heart nearly stopped when I saw the photos inside... My husband, a bed, and MY OWN SISTER!!!

One of the photos had a note: "If you don't want these photos to go online and ruin your career, it will cost you $50,000."

My husband is an idiot because I realized he wrote that note himself. His handwriting gave him away... Simple as that. I went to the police and filed a report against my husband and my sister. A week later, they were caught during the money exchange.

They're both in prison now, and I got divorced, taking all our assets.

27. My husband takes off his wedding ring when he leaves the house

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u/annet32: I found his ring in our bedroom dresser while he was at work. But at dinner, there it was on his finger again! Turns out, he takes it off every day when he goes to work!

One morning, I decided to follow him and saw him walking to the bus stop but, plot twist, HE GOT ON A BUS GOING THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION FROM HIS OFFICE! I followed the bus and discovered he has a mistress.

Of course, I've already prepared the divorce papers, but I needed to teach him a lesson. That evening, I made his favorite pizza but swapped the jalapeños for one of the hottest peppers in the world that I bought at a prank shop.

After one bite, he started screaming like a madman. I handed him a glass of cold milk which he downed like he’d never seen milk before.

But what he didn't know was that his wedding ring was at the bottom of the glass. I hid it way better than he ever did :DDD

P.S. I had no idea men could scream like that in the toilet…

28. My friend humiliated her cheating husband in front of a crowd

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u/anastas21: Sarah was married to Tom, a dog show judge. When she found out about his affair, she decided to teach him a lesson. Tom was invited to judge a prestigious agility competition for dogs at a large park.

Sarah knew this would be the perfect moment for her revenge. The night before the competition, she carefully mixed animal pheromones into his favorite cologne. Unaware, Tom applied a generous amount of "cologne" the next day.

When the dogs were released, instead of obeying their owners, they immediately began to focus on Tom.

At first, they sniffed him, but then they began to show more active interest, surrounding him and displaying sexual intentions. Tom, blushing with embarrassment, tried to push the animals away, but their persistence only increased.

The other competitors and spectators couldn't contain their laughter, recording the whole chaos, which quickly went viral online.

29. Men I know started disappearing

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u/pinkymango44: I began noticing that men were disappearing from my life. First, my dance instructor just vanished without a trace. The dance school told me he had moved. Then my French tutor disappeared. Then my work partner, Mike. All this started after I married Dylan.

Recently, my masseuse told me everything. He said my husband had THREATENED TO KILL HIM IF HE DIDN'T STOP SEEING ME AS A CLIENT.

Note that my Dylan is a programmer, probably never fought in his life as he weighs about 105 pounds. Using his hacking skills, he hacked into his "victims'" personal info and intimidated them with words like "I know everything about you!"

I decided to prank Dylan. I hired a 285-pound boxer and asked him to meet Dylan in an alley and pretend to be my masseuse. I watched from the car.

The boxer approached Dylan, said something, and swung at him, and Dylan did the unexpected!! MY 125-pound IT pacifist HIT THE BOXER BETWEEN THE LEGS, THEN JUMPED ON HIM FROM BEHIND, STARTED CHOKING HIM, AND TRIED TO GOUGE HIS EYES OUT!!! THE PRANK WENT OUT OF CONTROL! THE BOXER STARTED RUNNING!!!

I told Dylan it was a prank and asked him to stop scaring off men from me, but you gotta admit, it's kind of cute :DD

30. I Found a gift for his mistress in my husband's closet

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u/yourpassion23: One day while cleaning, I decided to tidy up my husband's office, a place I rarely enter. Opening a closet, I found a gift box under a pile of various things, with a bow on the lid. My birthday was in two weeks, so I thought it was a gift for me and decided to peek inside.

Inside was a gold ring, which I immediately tried on. I loved it, but then I saw an inscription scratched on it - "Judy, love you!" The kicker? My name is Jessica! Well, I had an idea. I bought a mechanism from a joke shop that would explode with indelible green paint when the box was opened.

Two days later, Jack came home with his face completely smeared in green paint. "I assume we're getting divorced?" he asked. I simply responded with a good slap.